Fish — Ashley Bradley

Dede was on a date with some dude who looked like f***ing John Goodman. But from his Roseanne days - his attractiveness apex. Dede had always had a crush on Dan. With his big bear body and flannel shirts. How he never cheated on Roseanne even though she looked like Ms. Swan - except for that one time, and then he was smited with a heart attack? Season 9 was confusing - Dede had no idea. Anyway, it's why she said yes when Elvis, Dan's doppelganger, asked her out in line at the liquor store. Elvis looked exactly like Dan: the face, the hair, the clothes. He even smelled like how Dede imagined Dan smelled: cheap beer and regrets. Yes, a thousand times yes, to a date with her dream man."I've never dated a black girl before," Dan remarked across from Dede in the booth they sat at Denny's, Dan's "home away from home".Dede liked to hear things like this. Like she was someone's first: first black girl, first woman, first non-midget, etc. She liked to feel like she was special. All their lives these people have avoided f***ing an entire group, until they meet DEDE, who defies expectation."You're black, right?" Dan checked, suddenly panicky. "I hope you're not one of those half-breeds."Nope, all black," Dede smiled. She pulled out her cell to show Elvis a picture of her dad, Clarence, "This is my dad. See, black."And your mom?" Elvis nodded at her phone like show me proof of that supposedly black bitch, too. Dede dropped her phone back into her bag, "I don't have any pictures of my mom. But anyway, this isn't f***ing customs. I don't have to prove anything to you."You're mighty defensive for someone claiming to be all-black. You're not Malcolm X."Dede had no idea what this meant. The only things she knew about Malcolm X was that 1.) he was cute and 2.) Denzel played him in that movie she went with a date to go see when it came out and he fingered her (the date, not Denz) the whole time and afterwards Dede got pinworms. Suddenly, she wished she was on a date with cute-ass Mal