Contractual Bloodsport — Stephen Donald Huff

In a limb-mangling medical emergency, semi-sentient robots will save your life, but they will also steal your identity, pilfer your belongings and sexually assault your unconscious body at the same time. In this satirical (but true) depiction of your near future, humanity collectively struggles to accept the horrific and surprising ramifications of the FUST (Fast-Universe-Slow-Technology) conundrum, which proves that the universe will always expand faster than the advance of space travel technology. Thus, thanks to the discovery of some dumbass scientist, everyone knows that they are hopelessly trapped within this crappy solar system. Forever. Amid consequent threats of a social apocalypse and serial exhibitions of public urination, one dedicated bureaucrat will risk his lives (plural) to do the impossible. With only hours to spare before a solar catastrophe entirely obliterates human civilization, he must facilitate the discovery of an effective method for faster-than-light travel and then somehow blast fifty billion neurotic citizens safely across the cosmos. Despite the situation's obvious urgency, his every action confronts the endless frustrations of an apathetic bureaucracy and its soul-crushing lack of interest, which argues clearly for forced sterilization, right now. Today. Seriously.