The Wrong Sword — Ted Rabinowitz

For a thousand years, Excalibur was the sword of heroes. Not anymore. Henry the Rat makes a good living selling "magic" swords to gullible knights. When he's forced to steal the real thing from the Chapel Perilous, his troubles are only beginning, for Excalibur is not just the sword of heroes...it's also the sword that won't SHUT UP. It talks to its owner, it knows what kind of owner it deserves, and Henry doesn't even come close. To keep Excalibur and the world safe from the appalling Prince Geoffrey, Henry will have to masquerade as a knight, crash a royal wedding, rescue a princess, break a siege, penetrate the secrets of the Perilous Brotherhood, and find Excalibur's rightful bearer, all while trying to reach an accommodation with a snotty, aristocratic hunk of steel that mocks him, takes over his body, and keeps trying to turn him into the one thing he hates most...a hero.