Galactic Fat — H.C. Turk

In the near future, Robar Drill awakens from a chemical torpor to learn that he is not the average pizza boy he appears, but a former wino whose life has been commandeered by The Federal Government. During the years in which Robar's senses were nulled, The Government surgically transformed him into a metaman with enormous powers, the only person capable of saving Earth from an alien race bent on harvesting human cellulite.

Robar wakes with partial memory, having no idea of his past, no understanding of society. When he is thrust into the modern world by his captor/benefactor, U.S. Sub President Jon Protestant, Robar must relearn living. During a god-awful training mission in which he will be taught how to save Earth, Robar meets his six companions: Fawn Bonita, an elderly retiree; Dana Spearless, a five-year old unaware of his/her gender; Suckle Blowrose, an exotic dancer and the group's intellectual; Hazel Edna Brenda of Pork, the Queen of Ingland and a student of lichens; Ralfie MacKenzie, laundry operator; and Jud Protestant, Jon's brother, a minor government official who wants to save Earth for himself. These people have been chosen because each possesses one of the characteristics of the only person to have survived the alien fat monsters on their own planet. The previous, failed space mission revealed the terror of the alien creatures, who plan on rendering all humans grotesquely obese, then extracting the fat for bizarre alien purposes, as well as dessert.

During training, Robar proves himself physically incompetent and emotionally immature. Jud derides him for being a wino at heart, though Robar has no memory of this embarrassing past. The lovely Queen will scarcely look at him due to his plasoid hair and titanium teeth. Suckle will not partake of intellectual discussions with Robar. Even in this collection of abnormal people, Robar is too bizarre to fit.

Robar is not considered a savior, but a failure and a fool. Receiving final instructions as they enter the spacecraft and leave for their interstellar mission, Robar and his aides learn that they will have but one chance to save Earth. This will be Robar's only opportunity to prove himself.

They arrive at a planet so alien that the humans are unable to perceive their surroundings. Soon they are confronted with the mind control of irresistible alien TV commercials. Robar manages to survive via his unmatched technological abilities, not through courage, for Robar really is a drunk at heart: a man who chose the oblivion of the bottle rather than face a world of people who might damage him emotionally.

As the Earthers struggle against creatures they can sense but not understand, Robar learns of himself by learning of his companions: Fawn is not merely a crotchety old hag, but a woman rich in experience with a vital sense of living. Suckle is not only a knockout piece of tail, but a deeply intelligent woman whose strength is in sharing her knowledge with her friends, thereby improving their own thinking. The Queen of Ingland is not just a cute ignoramus, but a thoughtful and pleasant woman of class. Dana is still a kid, but a good kid. Ralfie is not only an expert in cleanliness, but a connoisseur of pizza. Jud remains a troublemaker, but at least he's human. Not until his companions are faced with genuine death, however, does Robar learn his place in life, his relationship with these people. For they are not his cohorts, but his only friends; and Robar learns the desperate trait of sacrifice as he saves his people not from aliens, but from fear.

In this bawdy, outrageous novel, no topic escapes galactic satire: the intricacies of love vs. sex, the buffoonery of politics, the joy of obesity, the sanctity of cowardice, even the duties of friendship suffer along with Robar as he relearns living the hard way: by nearly killing himself (again and again).