A Field Guide to Dead Birdwatchers — Gary Alexander

TED SNOWE is a hit man… who isn’t. Ted takes “hard-unearned” money from wise guys to rub out their enemies, but instead of providing the requested service, Ted offers his "assignments" two choices: be found dead in the trunk of a stolen Cadillac in an airport garage, or accept a new identity Ted has prepared and then disappear—his own for-profit witness protection program. All select the latter choice, of course, so Ted double-dips and relaxes on the coast of Portugal between jobs. But all is not exactly going according to plan. The love of his life, Beth Palmer Brutto, has left him. His last assignment—birdwatching enthusiast Bob Chance, who embezzled from the wrong folks—is not keeping his head down in his new life. When Bob and his girlfriend are gunned down in front of a large hotel, Ted realizes his clients have discovered his duplicity, and they send a real hit man after him, the aptly-tagged Tony Whack Job, a man handy with an ice pick who idolizes Ted Bundy. Fearing that a similar end awaits Beth as well as his last three “disappeareds," Ted heads home to try and thwart the attacks. To do so, he must run a gauntlet that includes Beth's serial-bride mother, birdwatcher Bob Chance's merry widow, a Ponzi artist, a beer-guzzling cat named Fluffy, and of course, Tony Whack Job. With a dismal pro basketball career behind him, a recent bent for writing bad poetry, and a growing interest in birdwatching, Ted must face these latest challenges as he approaches male-menopausal age-40, thinking that a conscience can be a terrible thing to have.