The Actor's Guide to Adultery — Rick Copp

They say bad news comes in threes. Jarrod Jarvis is about to test that theory.

Bad news item #1. Former child actor (and constant comeback candidate) Jarrod Jarvis fails to convince the California parole board not to release Wendell Butterworth, the stalker who has followed him since his first Oscar Mayer commercial. 2. Jarrod's NBC pilot flatlines before it even hits the air. 3. His agent/best friend Laurette decides to marry gorgeous Juan Carlos Barranco, a soap actor more wooden than a Steven Seagal romantic comedy--and shadier than Cher's plastic surgery denials. To quote the eighties catchphrase that made Jarrod famous: "Baby, don't even go there." But things are about to get worse. During Laurette's drive-thru wedding at the Hearst Castle, one of the guests has a heated scene of his own with Juan Carlos--just before he crashes into the three-tier wedding cake, poisoned by a glass of champagne.

Much to the dismay of Charlie, his hunky LAPD boyfriend, Jarrod is convinced that Juan Carlos has something to do with the murder, and he's determined to get the goods on Laurette's new husband, even if it means trailing him to the set of his latest movie, a "high concept" horror film, and taking a (gasp!) supporting role. It isn't long before Juan Carlos exposes himself not as a murderer, but as a Viagra-fueled player who is simultaneously bedding his sexy, older leading lady, his young female co-star and a hot Latin man he meets on the QT at a local motel. Talk about the role of a lifetime. Soon, the question is no longer, "Who is Laurette's new husband sleeping with" but "Who isn't he sleeping with?" Juan Carlos seems to be a man of many secret alliances, including a connection to an embittered tabloid reporter and a ruthless Miami crime boss who's already made more than one person disappear. But why would a big-time crime czar be so interested in the affairs of a really bad soap actor? What other secrets is Juan Carlos keeping? And did Jarrod really agree to do a movie for scale?

Now, trapped in surreal South Florida, home of early bird specials, low-budget movies, neon thongs, and, God forbid, his own parents, Jarrod is living out his worst nightmare, keeping one eye on his best friend's cheating husband, fighting his own attraction to a butch P.I., playing opposite a child star who makes Linda Blair's "Exorcist" turn seem charming, and running from the mob. But while Jarrod has been channeling his inner MacGyver, following Juan's every salacious move, someone else has been tailing Jarrod. Someone who thinks he knows too much for his own good. Someone with the power to turn a cheesy slasher movie into cinema verite...and give Jarrod his final screen credit...